she's a summer love in the spring, fall, and winter

I'm still in Indiana. Doing absolutely nothing. No big stories to share yet. The livin's easy. But in an effort to keep my mind from wandering and forgetting about this blog, I'm going to share even the menial and unimportant things of my days. I love summer, and today was the first day I just layed in the sun and soaked up all its rays to warm my bones. My body has been weary and I was in desperate need of some sun therapy.

I've been so bored that yesterday I started baking, and you know, they were the best tasting cupcakes I've made in my life.

So I've pretty much been emptying my head, sitting on the back porch in the sun, chainsmoking cigarettes and catching up on my reading.

I've been listening to the dead a lot the past few months. I can't describe to you how much their music helps me not lose my mind. American Beauty is the most beautiful and perfect summer album and it's been on repeat for me for the past month. - I kind of hate that it's one of my favorite albums because when you ask someone who doesn't really listen to the dead it's always they album they talk about. Regardless, it's nearly perfect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1ydcjWL79w

I wish so much that I could follow Furthur or Phish this summer, but A wants to do the adult thing and just see a few Phish shows, and see Furthur at Gathering of the Vibes and go on with our lives, and have a home to go to when they are over. He's a bit older than I am, 33 and I'm 20, so I think I'm still young enough to think in extremes. When I think about following them I don't care that we don't have a car because we can find rides from show to show with other people following. I don't care if we have to sleep in bus stations or sleep outside and have to carry around heavy backpacks because of the beautiful people we would meet and the beautiful experience we would share together. It seems worth all the uncomfort and uncertainty to me. But in reality, I know that we both have extremely addictive personalities and it would destroy us on the road. It almost did before, which is why we aren't road doggin' it right now. There are always way to get drugs on tour, and if you know how, it's wicked easy to find the dirty stuff. I know plenty of good people that let dope string them out so bad and turn them into junkies following the dead. Given my history I know that's what would most likely become of me too, and A and I deep down know that we don't want that for our lives. It's just hard to keep that perspective when I'm sitting in a house alone all day with all the time in the world to daydream, and listen to the dead, and imagine how different our life on the road would be now that we would have a direction, someone to follow across the country meeting plenty of other people that are doing the same thing. It would be way different than trying to do it alone, like before. But I just have to put those notions out of my head and make the adult decision to do what's best for our relationship and our families. I hate growing up, I hate the thought of settling down already.. I never even got my chance to travel, with no responsibilities and no thoughts of anything but finding things and people and places that make me smile.